This week has been quite exceptional in terms of the demands for work and with the heightened tensions around COVID19 which is palpable everywhere you go, Marnie’s routine has shifted and we haven’t been about as much. Being picked up by her grandad and Evie is different to her normal routine, which is fine but, oh my the mum guilt creeped in big time this weekend!
She’s a bit clingy, bit emotional, increasingly more demanding and all I want to do is spend quality time with her. Except I’m just so tired, I just can’t find the energy or the patience. My brain is split on what it wants, which is to be the mum I think I should be and the one I probably am. Which, I think is good enough, but, you know….
I’m not the sort of mum who likes sitting and playing for hours. I am happy doing colouring, puzzles or a game but I am not huge on the fun make-believe games, particularly when I’m desperate for some time alone (never thought I would ever say that as I’m such an extrovert). 1/2 of me hates myself for it, the other 1/2 thinks I need to chill out, and as you can imagine I’m super rational when stressed.
Maybe it’s just her age? Maybe it’s excitement for her birthday? Maybe it’s being the youngest? So young she’s essentially an only child. There aren’t really any play dates at weekends (even if there was I’m not sure I want to) and the weather…. I will leave the rain thanks. I don’t want to leave my house at weekends, I leave it all week.
I try to include her in what I’m doing; Helping me tidy, wash or cook. I’ve set up activities for us both, like baking. But it’s not quite enough for her, and I feel like there is nothing more to give of me.
While I was driving earlier I figured the rest of you out there must feel the same way in some way. You can’t hold down busy jobs and lives and not feel this way can you?
I’m fortunate Martin and I share the day so we both get breaks, but what if you don’t have that support? Also, when do you get time to talk to each other and not just be ships in the night, working until late and juggling childcare.
I know this current situation won’t last forever, I don’t think I need to panic or schedule her therapist for when she’s 18 just yet. But to everyone who might be feeling the same way as this, for whatever reason, you’re not alone.