Parenting Teenagers – My teen threw a party while we were away.

Ok guys I am putting myself out there today. My 14 year old daughter has gone and played out in real life that American movie cliché. Only we are not in America and more importantly this isn’t a movie!

 While we were away on holiday she organised and put on a party for her and her friends in our house. Apparently there were about 15 of them,boys and girls, the neighbours kept up all night by drunken kids running about and smashing glass, slamming doors and basically being little *****!

I know there are many of you who will read this and think the below, so let’s get it out of the way now……..

· Why does she have no control over her child?
· That child needs boundaries.
· Why was her daughter not with her on holiday?
· Who was supposed to be looking after her?
· Why was she unsupervised…etc!
Well I get it. I think this whole situation is karma, I was the same! My arrogance and belief in my parenting skills and in her ability to make good choices was unreal. 

I thought unruly kids just needed firmer boundaries and rewarding when they did well. It’s like toddler taming really I used to think! Its even what the teachers at her current school (more on that another time) would say. To try and answer those questions before we move on please see below

· I thought I did have control. Promise.

· There are boundaries!

· She wasn’t on holiday because it is still school term and she wasn’t allowed to go.

· She was at her dads for the week

· She said she was staying at her friends

You get the jist don’t you?

The worst thing is this isn’t the first time! She also tried it before a couple of years ago but was snitched on so it never really happened. I thought she had learnt her lesson. She clearly hasn’t and neither have I. 

Our home is trashed. There is broken glass in the garden which is now a danger zone for the baby. There are marks all over the new-ish sofa. Fag buts all over the windowsills. Dents in the walls, stair gate broken off the wall, marks in the paint work and door frames cracked where they were slamming doors. The floors are a mess and they have been running wild in the bedrooms. The worst thing is they have broken Marnie’s favourite toy ever. The little tykes car

It’s like my home has been violated, it even smells different.

The neighbour behind us didn’t get off lightly. They had broken glass thrown in their garden and were kept up until 4am. They say they called the police 3 times but it seems they didn’t come. I wish they had. 

One of my many (P***ed off) neighbours very kindly rounded up the trash the kids had dumped somewhere and left it on our doorstep for our return. I am mortified. I don’t even know who did it to be able to apologise for this situation. I am dreading seeing them. They blame me…. of course they do. I would!


So as I sit here at 2am writing this blog post because I can’t sleep for both anger and desperate sadness I am trying to work out what to do. The phone contract is cancelled and there will be no WiFi. Those are the obvious ones.

The reason I can’t sleep is probably because I am feeling extremely sorry for myself! Also because I don’t know what to say to her tomorrow when she comes home and I don’t know how to act. What is the right thing? Has everything so far been wrong? Or is it all something that I should think of as “normal teenage stuff”? I just want to cry but I know it won’t matter .I am worried, frightened and totally out of my depth.  

What will I do when I am at work? Its times like this I really wish I could be a stay at home mum. I always knew the teenage years would be difficult. Filled with the most crazy overwhelming love and whole body consuming frustration at the same time. I said last week that if having kids has taught me one thing is if ever I get asked to provide an example of resilience I know just what to say.

I will let you all know what happens. You can subscribe to our posts for those of you who don’t want to miss out! 

Dani x

 

Mother of Teenagers

34 thoughts on “Parenting Teenagers – My teen threw a party while we were away.

  1. So sorry you’ve all had this to go through Dani! How incredibly disappointing and upsetting to come home to a trashed house after your holiday!
    I don’t have a teenage daughter (yet) though I agree that this sort of behaviour is one of my many worries. Please try not to blame yourself. I definitely think this is quite common (certainly amongst other friends with teenage girls!) Most likely she didn’t think it through, thought there would be no evidence and that you’d never find out.
    14 is also the age that girls start to think they’re independent and cool and thereby start to ignore their parents!
    One day at a time mate, sounds like you’ve already thought up suitable punishments. From memory the worst punishment I ever got was when my mum was very quiet towards me and said she was disappointed in me! I felt awful!
    Big hugs to you and the family. And if you ever need to run away, there’s a spare room waiting for you in Sydney! X

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    • Dude that’s such kind and lovely words!
      It’s been a crazy couple of days. Wait until you hear what happened next. It’s a good job the highs outweigh the lows otherwise the stress would kill us xx

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  2. Eeekkk!!!!! There are no words. I should think most of us are reading this and thinking “Shit, this is what I have still got to deal with!”

    Thank you Dani for your honesty. The guilt levels must be through the roof at the minute-when do mums get a break?! I’m available with gin when you need it! X

    Lots of love xx

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    • Thanks so much dude. Writing it all down is the only thing that helped me sleep. I am sure there are many more mums out there feeling the same so I hope it helps someone not feel so bad. Wait until you hear the rest!!

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  3. Dani , you are forgetting the one most important thing …… she was in Dukes care when this happened , this did not happen on your watch this happened on her dad’s and you just provided the house , I would go back and find out why he didn’t do enough checks before letting her stay at her friends as she claimed ….. she picked him to do this too not you …. like I said before you had the venue but he was the parent that didn’t check so don’t forget that ! X x x

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  4. Not a parent (at least hope it!) however some thoughts on approach, hopefully helpful….

    – Silence won’t help you both move forward
    – leading with emotions can be like fighting fire with more fire and a little extra petrol
    – fact based approach is hard to deny or dismiss
    – confront (example), clarify (specifically), change you need from her

    Best I have from the toolkit!

    However like the good old days, always happy to run off and make you a cup of tea whilst someone else does the hugs!

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  5. Many years to go until my daughters become teenagers (thank goodness), but remember this is so, so, so normal teenage behaviour – remember parties from when we were younger?!! like at Peter’s house?! So you won’t be alone in this, most 14 year olds would find a way to celebrate drunkenly with friends whether you were away or not (would have hoped most had more respect for personal property, but hopefully they are at least remorseful in the cold light of day), so it’s not your fault at all and neighbours shouldn’t blame you for any of the above, or question how you raise your own kids. There are not enough places for teenagers to go, and a free house was like gold dust back in the day….

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    • Thanks Helen! Pretty sure I was grounded and ended up missing that party! I was gutted too as I was convinced I was in love with him!
      I think the main issue isn’t the party, it’s just she’s not on the right tracks at the moment and the fear is where it’s all going to lead. She’s so smart, funny and brilliant I believe she will be fine. This parenting lark is hard work!! The blog should be called what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and drink more wine 😂
      X

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  6. Ah mate I feel for you I do, it’s such a violation to have people your house and I don’t know that I could stay calm but to play devil’s advocate.

    If this was hee house she’d now have to fix everything so make hee do that, meticulous cleaning of rhe garden, replacing broken things and.if she can’t afford it it comes from hee allowance or her phone stays off until the value is equal. She would also have to face her neighbours so make her do that. I also think time to breath and space to fall is needed let her come to you and be open to what she says

    Good luck

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    • I like your thoughts! I also like the idea of her facing the neighbours. A stroppy sorry on the door step isn’t enough.
      We are having some time to both calm and reflect so yes I will do that. I wonder what she will say. Thank you so much for your comment. People have been full of such constructive suggestions

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  7. Our two have been to plenty of parties but we’ve never had one here – and I’m talking about ones with adults actually in charge. There have been enough incidents at these other parties to make us say ‘No way in our house’, so to find out that you’ve had that decision taken away from you must have been awful. #TweensTeensBeyond

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  8. This brings back lots of memories from my school days (where did they go???) and it makes me cringe. Kids are kids but someone always gets hurt, usually the parents who are left to pick up the pieces. I really hope she has learnt this time and you don’t have to go through this again xx

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  9. Oh my goodness, what a stressful thing to have to go through. When my kids break anything (previously my glass lampshade in my room and my daughter broke her phone screen AND her tablet) then I’ve made them pay to have them mended/replaced themselves. There’s nothing more sobering for them than that. (Of course, they don’t do it if it was an accident – only if they were being reckless). Thanks for sharing.

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  10. Totally didn’t think any of those things by the way. What an absolute nightmare for you. God, it’s these times that make us feel like we are back at the beginning again isn’t it. What to do, who to as?. I feel your pain and as I’m slightly behind in years (well not me, my daughter), I’m interested to see the outcome. As always, we can never judge or know what we would do in a situation unless we’ve been there ourselves. You’ve beat me to it on this one. The only thing I can think is that when we did these things as youngsters, we were very careful to cover our tracks. The trashing of stuff – I don’t get. I wish you all the luck and thank you for joining us here for the first time #tweensteensbeyond

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    • Thanks Nicky there is always something new challenging us as parents. Been trying to work out how to tell the rest of it without using up the entire internet but I will and as we all know it will all be ok in the end. We just need to ride the storm and do our best! Thanks for having me x

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  11. Oh my! It’s the sort of thing you hear of happening to other folk, but don’t believe can happen to you. It must have been the most awful thing to have come home to 😦 I hope she HAS learned her lesson but how much do you feel you could trust her another time? #tweenteensbeyond

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  12. I was feeling physically sick reading this post Dani and sharing your pain every step of the way. I have always been firm with my eldest that there will not be a party at ours ever. It is not so much that I don’t trust him but the ones you don’t know are generally the most unpredictable, plus I have never heard a single good story from any parent who has agreed to host a party let alone those that haven’t. Our home is a place of sanctuary and it takes a lot of effort and money to run and maintain so to have it trashed would make me mad. The thing is it is very difficult to control a party once it is underway and particularly when you are 14 and they are your mates. You don’t mention whether she apologised and understands her mistake, that to me would be the most important thing to come out of this so that you can be sure she has learnt a lesson and it won’t be repeated. I hope you get it sorted. Embarrassing and infuriating as it is, the main thing is that a child did not get hurt. Thanks for joining us. Hope to see you again. #TweensTeensBeyond

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  13. Oh my word Dani you have lived out every parent’s nightmare. It is so easy for these things to get out of control and none of this is your fault. It is a valuable life lesson for your daughter – teens do seem to be unrealistically optimistic about these things. From what I have heard it is often the uninvited guests that cause the problem, social media tends to advertise the location and everything escalates. I do hope that it doesn’t cost too much to repair the damage and that ‘normal’ relations can be resumed before long. Thank you so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

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  14. Well, well 🙂 I threw (some) parties when I was a teenager in my parents absence. I don’t expect my children when they are bigger to do any differently. However. World has change, I would probably prefer to throw that party in the 90’s, not these days.

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  15. Unfortunately, we can’t always control what teens do! Being a teen not long ago, I know that I didn’t really think things out before I did them but almost always regretted it later. It will take time, patience, and growing as a person for her to realize what she did was wrong. Be strong, Mama!

    xo, Kimberly
    http://www.lifeofkimberly.com

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  16. Oh dear! What a situation you had to go through and honestly it’s scaring me now as I will soon be having a teenage daughter and getting myself ready to face the situations now although I trust her just as you did!

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  17. Oh gosh what a nightmare! I was not long ago a rebellious teen, and can imagine that she’s horrified at what happened as well. Hope that it all works out okay, don’t blame yourself x

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